Talking about people, more specifically what some quarters call Difficult People how do you get to break away from their stuff? And let’s face it these could be some of your nearest and dearest, and ultimately how other people, their action/s or inertia affect you and those you’d move heaven and earth to protect.
When someone finds themselves in a life changing situation, where you see the way they ought to go but they’re stuck in resistance, fear, and an inability to do the right thing from your perspective it can be soooooo frustrating.
They may also have their unhelpful coping strategies kicking off left, right and centre keeping them stuck in their rut – we all have those don’t we? Those also need addressing but that’s a conversation for another day
Putting empathy aside, you love them, it’s a given without which you wouldn’t even be caring about this. But instead of getting caught up in making allowances for them because of x, y, and z, let’s don a tough-love approach by honing in on the nitty-gritty of today’s topic that leads you into how to break away from their stuff.
Other people’s stuff
When someone you care for makes inadequate choices it’s helpful for you to let go of what you feel they shoulda-coulda-woulda be best doing and instead focus on your own learning for personal growth. There are a number of reasons for this, all of them healthy, for you and for them. And ultimately they may even thank you for it, at least they will if they’re wide awake enough. But we’re going to put judgement aside and whether they thank you or not is by-the-by. I hope you’re still with me here?
Getting to the heart of you
Here are a few suggestions if you’re prepared for the long game which is really all there is whether it feels like there’s time or not:
- Firstly even if you’re professionally trained you’re not your nearest and dearest’s therapist / or go to because you’re not unconsciously impartial enough
- If you are doing it… stop! They need to be free to find their own way and this is harder for them when you’re unwittingly leading them
- Instead focus in on your own learning which can happen from a healthy distance by staying the hell out of it
- And if you’re still being triggered go and do some personal work
- Start looking at what they’ve been attracting into their life experience that you might also be vulnerable to?
- Recognise that because you think you see what’s best for them does not give you the right to say it, it’s a tough one, but they have to come to their own realisation
When someone tries to coerce you, a very helpful real deal you can gift yourself is heightening your BS-ometer by putting up a big fat attitude of talk-to-the-hand… lalalalala… And notice how it feels to:
- Become silent at the appropriate moment, so that they have an opportunity to reflect without ever going back over it because it’s worth a thousand words when applied skilfully
- Again it’s not your job to follow up on it
- Give them the room to make their own decisions and find their flow
Join in with this TASK below if you dare lol.
This takes place in quiet contemplation, i.e. as a question to go into meditation with, through writing in your journal, or both
Now reflect on a situation with someone that’s currently yanking-your-chain to consider a recent instance – where an INSTANCE is a very specific conversation or action that sits within a bigger issue with that person:
- Did you have a knee-jerk reaction or did you keep your own counsel?
- What went well with how you handled the instance?
- What didn’t go so well?
- What could you have done differently?
- What’s your learning take-away?
- What will you do differently NEXT time now you’ve explored this?
What would Kimmy Schmidt do?
Are you familiar with The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? If not I highly recommend. The character is a fab role model for girls. It’s a really sweet laugh-out-loud comedy on Netflix and if the DVD works better it’s here on Amazon
The premise of the show is that Kimmy (and four other teenage girls) were locked in a bunker (by an evil Reverend) for 15-yrs on the understanding that the world had ended.
We see in a flashback (as the show unfolds from the moment they’re released) that while down there one of their tasks was to constantly keep turning a handle. To motivate her to keep going when it was her turn Kimmy would say to herself just get through the next 10-seconds and counts:
1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10
A neat trick for anxiety related issues, until you’re willing to crash and burn it once and for all.
If you have a particular insight you’d like to mention in the comments box below.
Until next time.
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