It’s that word blame but why do we do that? Has something been wired into our DNA that finds us spontaneously defending an action, or maybe a statement, even when it conflicts with our beliefs and self-perception?
Let’s take a step back.
Yet we’re often convinced that we’re in the right aren’t we? To the point where we forget to question the issue more objectively … but how so?
Don’t blame me
Is it that we just don’t want to look any closer to home or examine how our actions, reactions and behaviours affect others? Is it that we’re so convinced that we’re always right?
Does the blame culture rely on the human being’s ability to behave in a pack mentality? We often do. As a simple example just think of a TV programme like X-Factor and its voting system. The weakest link (as it were) is hounded out based on their performance, physical appearance or personality, to say nothing of the impact of social media.
We all do it though, don’t we, and if we’re wired a certain way with a certain set of responses, especially the victim-mentality, how did we learn to respond like this?
Often we need look no further than family, in order to recognise ancestral patterns of response because as the new sciences have identified, our DNA consists of more than physical similarities.
And I don’t know about you but understanding this one key factor meant that with the greatest respect, I could throw off parental family patterns that I’d rather not have, in order to take responsibility for my own reactions.
After all what does blaming others really achieve?
Responsibility and accountability
Although I’d understood the need for taking responsibility for the misdemeanors of my late teens/early twenties, it took much longer to actualise, but my family patterns offered a great window into the answers I spent decades searching for.
Working in the wonderful world of change and people, I’m fairly certain that this has been thoroughly informed and contributed to by my past. I was in search of The Lost Chord, a blast-from-the-past if you’re a Moody Blues fan.
Do I ever fluff up – of course I do – I’ve even come to realise that by sticking your neck out and standing up to be counted can by it’s very nature result in not getting it right every time.
Do I try to make amends, unless it’s futile and part of letting something or someone go. We all have a duty to self preservation and self care, and it can be uncomfortable not to comply with what others want or expect from you.
Whereas connecting with your inner peace, as well as dispelling that nagging inner voice, is how we live a more stress-free life, with better energy and vitality, because working on what you need to let go results in the mind feeling lighter, and you care less what others think. This is not about being selfish in a self-centred manner, it’s a different kind of selfish and to be positively encouraged!
When it comes to the nagging inner voice, if you have a situation that is playing round like a record, in your head, that is what you can change in order to not have whatever it was that happened keep showing up. These things have a tendency to become habitual, and as we know all unhelpful habits that bring misery can be broken.
Blame it on me
Blame is such a futile game, it spends your energy, and until you look closer to home, you won’t find any real answers.
What blaming others does is keep us safe, it allows us to keep reinforcing unhelpful ideas, values, beliefs, thoughts and behaviours, especially when we surround ourselves with other like-minded folk and resist the idea that we’re contributing.
Some of how we justify to ourselves what is a soft form of abuse, mostly self-abuse as it goes, is that we’re too nice, we get taken advantage of, I’m here to serve.
But changing this raises your self-respect and brings you respect from others. And to reach this requires focus and being prepared to feel good about yourself. I know it sounds silly, but think about it…
Playing the blame game
And isn’t blame what children do as they stand awkwardly on the spot hoping the adult won’t call them on something they’ve done that they know they shouldn’t have, squeaking out that classic phrase; “It wasn’t me.”
We learn lots of things as children that keep us protected for what is a vulnerable phase in life, where masses of fast-growth and development is taking place. But at that time the mind is like a blotting paper which is also forming at a rate-of knots, constantly absorbing our surroundings, which mostly gets imprinted from our caregivers. In this respect it’s not what we’re told but the actions we observe that we adopt.
Why me
Later on, it can turn into a why is this always happening to me scenario, and invariably lots of what we absorbed as kids is best being un-learned as we take on a truly grown-up life, in a world where we can be part of it’s solutions rather than it’s problems.
What do you think about the blame culture vs being responsible and accountable to yourself?
Do you ever find yourself pointing the finger and blaming others for the current state of your life? If you do you might be tired of going round in circles on that particular hamster-wheel and maybe you’re ready to become free from wherever those feelings originated, so that you can get on with living your life as you’d like it to be NOW.
Freda’s case study
Freda (let’s call her) was the only child, her parents were caring but her mother was a very dominant and orderly woman with a strong preference for order. Everything was orderly to the point where her daughter, Freda didn’t know who she was, she’d not been allowed to blossom as a person in her own right.
So Freda was fighting her own need for imagination and creativity in order to comply with her mother’s need for order. And this meant Freda got into situations, she didn’t connect with other people, she hadn’t learned how to be sociable or flexible.
We worked on what was showing up in life, the experiences where she would get taken advantage of, and how that made her feel.
Her self-respect grew as did the respect of others for her, as they started to notice her more. At work she gained a promotion to a role she’d wanted so much, but had continually been overlooked for previously.
The process did not involve being disloyal to her mother, it just helped Freda separate herself from a need to comply with others at what had become a heavy cost to herself.
In fact her bond with her mum grew because her mum finally saw how well her daughter was doing in standing on her own two feet, which meant she could let go a bit more. Freda became more integrated with others, because she developed better boundaries, boundaries that she set.
This is what changing your mindset does, it changes your potential and more importantly it changes your perception of yourself, which when you demonstrate that you’re not to be messed with, other people start to see you in a new light and take you more seriously. And that’s something you can’t measure other than by experiencing it and how good it feels, and even more so when new and exciting opportunities start to emerge.
PS: I’d love to support you in getting rid of what’s not floating-your-boat, so that you can learn how to change what works against you and start tapping into your full potential.
Step up to the mark
Are you feeling ready to ditch the emotional roller-coaster, because this approach brings about a significant and noticeable difference?
Now click through on the button below and arrange a 20-min chat to put an end to the run of what’s no longer working in your favour.
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